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The Onion

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Hot New Relationship Book Warns Women: 'Wake Up! He's A Shapeshifter'

Bestselling author Craig Wheedon stops by Today NOW! to urge ladies to face the truth and dump the shapeshifter.
Author: TheOnion
Keywords: Today Now, Local, Relationships, comedy, funny, couples, men, women, dating, onion, satire
Added: Fri, 19 Mar 2010

2 days, 23 hours, 55 min
1 hits
0.0

Boys Tragic Death Could Have Happened To Any Family With 20-Foot Pet Python

Rich and Lisa Shaw say there were no warning signs that their 300-pound Burmese Python would crush and eat their 3 year old son.
Author: TheOnion
Keywords: Local, Today Now, Animals, Children, onion, satire, snakes, attack, python
Added: Fri, 12 Mar 2010

8 days, 20 hours, 54 min
8 hits
0.0

Breaking News: Some Bullshit Happening Somewhere

Excruciating up-to-the-minute coverage of some irrelevant bullshit story that has no ramifications whatsoever.
Author: TheOnion
Keywords: News Room, comedy, funny, onion, satire, cnn, breaking, news, bullshit
Added: Tue, 09 Mar 2010 15:35:11 +0000

12 days, 23 hours, 55 min
20 hits
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How Will The End Of Print Journalism Affect Old Loons Who Hoard Newspapers?

Panelists discuss how the decline of the newspaper industry will affect the loons and shut-ins who rely on newspapers for stacking around their ramshackle homes.
Author: TheOnion
Keywords: Politics, Media, onion, funny, comedy, newspapers, crazy, people,

16 days, 20 hours, 54 min
16 hits
0.0

Obama Caught Lip-Syncing Speech

After Obama slips up during an address on health care, White House officials are forced to admit the president occasionally uses a backing track for important speeches.
Author: TheOnion
Keywords: Politics, News Room, Music, Barack Obama, speech, democrati

19 days, 23 hours, 54 min
23 hits
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Filming Of Congressional Reality Show Disrupts Committee Meeting

Rep. Cummings (D-VA) vows to ignore the haters and rise above the drama during the filming of his new reality series.
Author: TheOnion
Keywords: Politics, ospan, onion, comedy, funny, congress, senate, real, housewives, of, nyc, reality, tv, jersey, shore

23 days, 23 hours, 55 min
23 hits
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Denmark Introduces Harrowing New Tourism Ads Directed By Lars Von Trier

Tourism officials hope the acclaimed Danish director's bleak vision of unsettling sexuality and brutal violence will attract more visitors to their country.
Author: TheOnion
Keywords: International, News, Room, comedy, onion, lars, van, trier, movies, ble

25 days, 23 hours, 54 min
23 hits
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Report: Baby Skull Jewelry May Be Linked To Violence

Panelists debate the validity of a new report which claims many decorative baby skulls are obtained by unlawful, inhumane means.
Author: TheOnion
Keywords: Business, In, The, Know, Children, Couples, comedy, onion, funny, satire, baby, skulls, fashion, je

30 days, 23 hours, 55 min
17 hits
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New Law Would Ban Marriages Between People Who Don't ...

The Minnesota law would nullify the marriages of an estimated 2.4 million couples currently living in silent resentment or seething hatred.
Author: TheOnion
Keywords: comedy, funny, onion, gay, marriage, california, lesbian
Added: Tue, 16 Feb 2010 17:02:3

33 days, 23 hours, 55 min
17 hits
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NASA Scientists Plan To Approach Girl By 2018

The team of scientists says the $19 million dollar mission will put them in direct contact with a woman by 2018.
Author: TheOnion
Keywords: onion, comedy, funny, satire, nasa, women, valentine, day, love, cute, girl
Added: Thu, 11 Feb 2010 21:12:18 +0000

37 days, 20 hours, 55 min
23 hits
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Insidious Worm Makes Unauthorized Purchases When Computer User Is Drunk

Computer experts say individuals with upcoming bachelor parties or afterwork get-togethers are especially vulnerable to cyber attacks resulting in fraudulent late-night purchases.
Author: TheOnion
Keywords: comedy, funny, onion, technology, computer, drun

40 days, 23 hours, 54 min
28 hits
0.0

Packers Fan Announces He Will Return To Drinking For ...

Chris Lukawski, a longtime devotee of the Packers and beer, is confident his battered liver and family can handle another NFL season of unrestrained alcohol consumption.
Author: TheOnion
Keywords: Sports, Football
Added: Tue, 02 Feb 2010 15:35:20 +0000

47 days, 23 hours, 54 min
31 hits
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Rep. Seeks Retroactive Immunity For Anyone Who Hit On ...

Rep. Bruce Durant proposes a bill protecting anyone who who may have had a little too much to drink at a White House event and called Michelle Obama a "beautiful queen."
Author: TheOnion
Keywords: Politics, ospan
Added: Fri, 29 Jan 2010 13:59:48 +0000

51 days, 23 hours, 54 min
33 hits
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Crime Reporter: Man Had Sex With Wife Thousands Of ...

In this episode of 'Raw Justice,' a depraved sex fiend violated his wife's body almost weekly for ten years before finally murdering her.
Author: TheOnion
Keywords: Local, News, Room, Marriage, Couples
Added: Tue, 26 Jan 2010 15:27:32 +0000

54 days, 23 hours, 55 min
24 hits
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New Law Requires Women To Name Baby, Paint Nursery Before Getting Abortion

In The Know panelists say more states should make decorating a nursery and choosing a baby name required steps in obtaining access to an abortion.
Author: TheOnion
Keywords: Politics, In, The, Know, Women, Children, comedy, funny, onion, abortion, christi

65 days, 23 hours, 54 min
26 hits
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Biden Criticized For Appearing In Hennessy Ads

Citing White House Pressure, Hennessy pulled the Biden ads saying "Joe will always epitomize the smooth, original style of our world class cognac."
Author: TheOnion
Keywords: drinking, Joseph, Biden, News, Room, Politics, barack, obama, hennessy, alcohol,

68 days, 23 hours, 55 min
27 hits
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Congo Approves Economic Stimulus Package Of AK-47 For Every Citizen

Congo lawmakers are convinced the stimulus package will give Congolese the assault weapons they need to obtain clothes, food.
Author: TheOnion
Keywords: international, onion, comedy, satire, guns, africa, child, soldiers
Added: Fri, 08 Jan 2010 15:32:31 +

72 days, 23 hours, 54 min
28 hits
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VH1 Reality Show Bus Crashes In California Causing ...

Clean-up crews are hard at work after a VH1 bus carrying reality show contestants overturned, spilling 2000 pounds of highly concentrated slut.
Author: TheOnion
Keywords: Women, Environment, Sex, News Room, Local
Added: Tue, 05 Jan 2010 13:44:11 +0000

75 days, 23 hours, 54 min
47 hits
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Internet Archaeologists Find Ruins Of 'Friendster' ...

Researchers conducting the Friendster excavation say the site has been deserted since the year 2005 AD
Author: TheOnion
Keywords: comedy, funny, onion, friendster, facebook, technology, satire
Added: Wed, 16 Dec 2009 16:53:16 +0000

95 days, 23 hours, 55 min
33 hits
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Adults Go Wild Over Latest In Childrens Picture Book Series

Adult readers say they are drawn to the 'Green Man' children's book series by the complexity of its characters ranging from yellow to blue.
Author: TheOnion
Keywords: Books, Today, Now, Entertainment
Added: Fri, 11 Dec 2009 16:49:37 +0000