The Onion

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America's Waitresses: Are They Hitting On You?

The Onion News Network Special Investigative Undercover Response Team reports on whether the nation's waitresses are just being friendly.
Author: TheOnion
Keywords: comedy, the onion, onion news network, the onion news network, onn
Added: Fri, 20 May 2011

  • 2344 days, 18 hours, 26 min
  • 2989 hits
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AV Club Inventory: Directors You Didn't Know You Hated

avclub.com The Onion's pop-culture-focused sister publication, The AV Club, is debuting a new weekly video series called "Inventory," based on its popular lists of the same name. Sure, you've never forgiven Joel Schumacher for Batman And Robin and know Uw

  • 2345 days, 15 hours, 26 min
  • 2697 hits
  • 0.0

Missing Teen's Friends Go On TV To Plead For Her Release, Gossip About Ugly Classmates

Two teens visit Today Now! in the hopes of finding their kidnapped friend and letting her know that their classmate is totally knocked up.
Author: TheOnion
Keywords: comedy, funny, onion, teens, ONN
Added: Wed, 18 May 2011 13:32:25 +0000

  • 2346 days, 18 hours, 26 min
  • 3067 hits
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Update: Obama Yet Again Refrains From Obliterating Human Race

A budget mix up causes Congress to accidentally fund schools ...NFL Players look weird in suits, and a revealing discovery about the life of Gentle Ben. It's the week of May 9, 2011.
Author: TheOnion
Keywords: the onion, comedy, obama, onion review, onion

  • 2348 days, 18 hours, 26 min
  • 2615 hits
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Other Guy Named Osama Bin Laden Can Finally Relax

The death of another human being is terrific news for once ... the bullet that killed the notorious terrorist is a guest on Good Morning America, and old college friends perfectly recreate an epic night out. It's the week of May 2, 2011.
Author: TheOnion

  • 2351 days, 15 hours, 26 min
  • 419 hits
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Live: Congress Debates New Sex-Based American Dreams

"Sex With A B-List Celebrity" is just one of several proposals being proposed as the dead American Dream's replacement.
Author: TheOnion
Keywords: congress, onion, the onion, onn, ifc
Added: Fri, 13 May 2011 15:46:47 +0000

  • 2351 days, 18 hours, 26 min
  • 359 hits
  • 0.0

AV Club Inventory: Fictional Drugs


Author: TheOnion
Keywords: powerful, grand theft auto 3, spank, liberty city, white powder, PCP, crystal meth, come to daddy, pac man, glint, strangers with candy, amy sedaris, rubbed on mouth and gums, superhuman strength, speed, coma, melange, the spic

  • 2352 days, 15 hours, 26 min
  • 394 hits
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Hostages Trapped Inside Walmart Insisting They Never Shop At Walmart

A gunman at a Dearborn, MI Walmart is holding dozens of shoppers who say they only happened to be at the tacky megachain by coincidence.
Author: TheOnion
Keywords: walmart, the onion, onion, comedy, shooting
Added: Wed, 11 May 2011 12:53:26 +0000

  • 2353 days, 18 hours, 26 min
  • 406 hits
  • 0.0

Predator Drone TR425 Takes The Stand

FactZone obtains an audio recording of military prosecutors cross-examining the disturbingly emotionless drone.
Author: TheOnion
Keywords: comedy, factzone, onion, the onion
Added: Fri, 06 May 2011 19:21:10 +0000

  • 2357 days, 15 hours, 23 min
  • 366 hits
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Predator Drone Court-Martialed For Afghani Civilian Deaths

Military officials make an example of the TR425 Predator Drone which fired on an Afghan wedding last September.
Author: TheOnion
Keywords: comedy, onion, the onion, factzone, drone, afghanistan
Added: Fri, 06 May 2011 15:26:27 +0000

  • 2357 days, 15 hours, 23 min
  • 390 hits
  • 0.0

Great Films Too Painful To Watch Twice

avclub.com The Onion's pop-culture-focused sister publication, The AV Club, is debuting a new weekly video series called "Inventory," based on its popular lists of the same name. Okay, as Scott Tobias would be quick to point out, these are great films tha

  • 2359 days, 15 hours, 23 min
  • 357 hits
  • 0.0

Obama Befriends Rich Elderly Widow In Hopes She'll Put Nation In Her Will

President Obama denies he's spending hours at billionaire Adelia Scott's bedside as part of a scheme to lower the national debt, but many Americans think otherwise.
Author: TheOnion
Keywords: obama, comedy, the onion, onion, president
Added: Wed, 04 May 2

  • 2360 days, 18 hours, 26 min
  • 396 hits
  • 0.0

Today Now! Interviews The 5-Year-Old Screenwriter Of "Fast Five"

Jim and Tracy welcome Chris Morgan, the kindergartener who wrote the latest action-packed "Fast And The Furious" sequel.
Author: TheOnion
Keywords: comedy, fast five, the onion, onion
Added: Thu, 28 Apr 2011 21:24:00 +0000

  • 2365 days, 15 hours, 26 min
  • 257 hits
  • 0.0

AV Club Inventory: Unusual Vampire Variations

avclub.com The Onion's pop-culture-focused sister publication, The AV Club, is debuting a new weekly video series called "Inventory," based on its popular lists of the same name. Vampires have been around a loooooooong time (they're very tough to kill, as

  • 2365 days, 15 hours, 26 min
  • 427 hits
  • 0.0

In The Know: Should The Nation's Unemployed Be Buying New Apple Computers?

Panelists discuss how owning a top-of-the-line MacBook or an iPad 2 is actually essential to finding a new job.
Author: TheOnion
Keywords: apple, ipad, macbook, the onion, onion, in the know
Added: Fri, 22 Apr 2011 16:52:05 +0000

  • 2365 days, 15 hours, 26 min
  • 355 hits
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Law Prohibits Nation's Shawnas From Using Tanning Beds

The Health and Human Services says that the country's Shawnas are "tan enough."
Author: TheOnion
Keywords: ONN, The Onion, Onion News Network, Tanning, Comedy
Added: Thu, 21 Apr 2011 15:55:54 +0000

  • 2365 days, 15 hours, 26 min
  • 432 hits
  • 0.0

AV Club Inventory: Misguided Eco-Friendly Entertainments

avclub.com The Onion's pop-culture-focused sister publication, The AV Club, is debuting a new weekly video series called "Inventory," based on its popular lists of the same name. Protecting the Earth It's a great idea that sometimes leads to some awful en

  • 2365 days, 15 hours, 26 min
  • 376 hits
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The Onion Review: Congress Cuts Its Step-Son's Funding

Aspen police frantically search for a missing ski, the show Ghost Hunters somehow always finds ghosts, and voyeurs watch a womens' march through the bushes. It's the week of April 11th, 2011.
Author: TheOnion
Keywords: comedy, funny, the onion, onion revi

  • 2365 days, 15 hours, 26 min
  • 468 hits
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AV Club Inventory: Morally Dubious Holiday Entertainments

avclub.com The Onion's pop-culture-focused sister publication, The AV Club, is debuting a new weekly video series called "Inventory," based on its popular lists of the same name. You've heard that Jesus is the reason for the season, right? It's easy to fo

  • 2365 days, 15 hours, 26 min
  • 382 hits
  • 0.0

The Onion Review: Obama Casts National Musical

Americans audition for a government production of Guys and Dolls, a jukebox flat-out rejects an Oasis CD, and a juror in Barry Bonds trial is ready for any foul balls. It's the week of April 4th, 2011.
Author: TheOnion
Keywords: comedy, funny, onion
Added

  • 2365 days, 15 hours, 26 min
  • 398 hits
  • 0.0

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