The Onion
Jennifer Aniston Adopts 33-Year-Old Boyfriend From Africa
Today Now! welcomes entertainment reporter Alex Blair, who has all the gossip on Jen's adorable new man.
Author: TheOnion
Keywords: comedy, funny, onion, satire, jennifer, aniston, brad, pitt, angelina, jolie, entertainment, movies
Added: Tue, 27 Jul 2010
- 2 days, 16 hours, 42 min
- 8 hits
Girl Raised From Birth By Wolf Blitzer Taken Into Protective Custody
"'Molly' and Developmental Psychologist Dr. Kenneth Ives come on Today Now! to talk about her upbringing as a half-human, half-Wolf Blitzer.
Author: TheOnion
Keywords: comedy, funny, onion, wolf, blitzer, cnn, news, satire
Added: Tue, 20 Jul 2010 17:05:04
- 9 days, 16 hours, 42 min
- 15 hits
Truck Accident That Killed Rafters in Canyon Sparks Truck-Canyon-Rafter Reform Debate
In The Know panelists discuss yesterday's truck accident, and why nothing was done to prevent the vehicle from accidentally spiraling out of control and killing rafters in canyon below.
Author: TheOnion
Keywords: comedy, funny, onion, in, the, know, satir
- 13 days, 13 hours, 42 min
- 23 hits
New Apple Friend Bar Gives Customers Someone To Talk At About Mac Products
Tech Trends' Jeff Tate explains the new service that pairs insufferable Apple customers with "friends" that will listen to them rattle on for hours.
Author: TheOnion
Keywords: comedy, onion, satire, apple, friend, bar, macbook, wheel, steve, jobs, iphone,
- 20 days, 13 hours, 42 min
- 36 hits
Future: News From The Year 2137 - Now Available
Purchase Now from iTunes: onion.com While other media outlets bring you news as it happens, only the Onion News Network has the power to bring you the news before it happens. With our state-of-the-art wormhole satellites, we can now transmit Onion News Ne
- 23 days, 16 hours, 42 min
- 28 hits
Al-Qaeda Calls Off Attack On Nation's Capitol To Spare Life Of 'Twilight' Author
ONN's Terrorism Expert Omar Al-Farouq explains how Al-Qaeda's love for the beloved teen vampire series prevented the death of thousands.
Author: TheOnion
Keywords: onion, news, network, satire, comedy, funny, al, qaeda, osama, bin, laden, terrorism, twili
- 23 days, 16 hours, 42 min
- 26 hits
Congress, 1924: Rep. Demands Horses Wear Dresses To Hide Foul Penises
In June 1924 Representative Oliver Shaker (D) condemned government inaction on the issue of publicly exposed horse penis and proposed a law which would federallyr equire horses to wear modesty dresses.
Author: TheOnion
Keywords: congress, politics, onion,
- 30 days, 16 hours, 42 min
- 33 hits
USDA Recalls 96000 Pounds Of Tainted Beef From One Family
Officials say a positive E. coli test prompted the recall, affecting the Wharton family's stores of ground beef, beef chuck, and rump roast.
Author: TheOnion
Keywords: comedy, funny, onion, fat, americans, health, weight, obese, meat, recall
Added: Tue, 2
- 37 days, 16 hours, 42 min
- 27 hits
Census Visits Providing Shut-Ins Once-A-Decade Chance For Human Interaction
On Today Now!, 87-year-old Beverly DeAngeles gives tips for trapping a census worker in your home for as long as possible.
Author: TheOnion
Keywords: comedy, funny, onion, satire, census, old, people
Added: Sun, 20 Jun 2010 19:59:26 +0000
- 38 days, 13 hours, 42 min
- 29 hits
Soccer Officially Announces It Is Gay
Plagued for years by swirling rumors about its sexuality, soccer has finally come out, becoming the world's first openly gay sport.
Author: TheOnion
Keywords: world, cup, soccer, fifa, funny, comedy, sports, gay, onion, satire
Added: Mon, 14 Jun 2010 18:4
- 43 days, 16 hours, 42 min
- 28 hits
Do Glass Pipes, Incense Prove Teens Are Practicing Shamanism?
A troubling national report finds an increasing number of parents have found strange pipes, herbs, and other implements of shamanic activity in their teenagers' bedrooms.
Author: TheOnion
Keywords: comedy, funny, onion, satire, drugs, pot, marijuana
Added
- 48 days, 16 hours, 42 min
- 32 hits
Boston Globe Tailors Print Edition For Three Remaining Subscribers
The paper says the new personalized articles target the interests of Massachusetts residents and final three Globe readers Michael Fisher, Camille Kresge, and Buddy.
Author: TheOnion
Keywords: onion, comedy, funny, satire, newspapers, media
Added: Tue, 08
- 51 days, 16 hours, 42 min
- 22 hits
Incredibly Sexy Firefighter Tragically Dies In Steamy Blaze
Jim and Tracy welcome fallen firefighter Logan Norelli's wife on Today NOW! for a special tribute to a true American hero and total smokin' hottie.
Author: TheOnion
Keywords: comedy, funny, onion, satire, death, sexy, firefighter, men
Added: Fri, 04 Jun 2
- 55 days, 16 hours, 42 min
- 36 hits
Congressmen Submit Emergency 3 AM Bill Demanding IHOP Stay Open All Night
The bipartisan group of representatives who submitted the emergency bill late last night say they stand by it, though they don't completely remember all of the details.
Author: TheOnion
Keywords: onion, comedy, funny, congress, politics, drunk, ihop
Added
- 63 days, 16 hours, 42 min
- 42 hits
Christian Groups: Biblical Armageddon Must Be Taught Alongside Global Warming
Constitutional debate continues over whether public schools should include biblical Armageddon alongside global warming in end-of-world curriculum.
Author: TheOnion
Keywords: comedy, funny, onion, satire, religion, global, warming, end, times, christian
A
- 65 days, 16 hours, 42 min
- 34 hits
New Google Phone Service Whispers Targeted Ads Directly Into Users' Ears
The new feature reduces Google phone users' cell phone costs while providing them with unobtrusive, personalized ads delivered in a friendly whisper.
Author: TheOnion
Keywords: comedy, funny, onion, google, android, iphone, apple, tech, trends, technology
- 72 days, 16 hours, 42 min
- 28 hits
Joad Cressbeckler Is Back To Claim Rightful Title As Most Ornery Pundit Alive
The former third party presidential candidate returns to helm 'The Cressbeckler Stance' and sound off on flannel-mouthed liars from Washington to Wall Street.
Author: TheOnion
Keywords: comedy, funny, onion, satire, joad, cressbeckler, pundits, glenn, bec
- 79 days, 16 hours, 42 min
- 38 hits
Advocacy Group: Mothers Have Right To Expose Milk-Engorged Breasts In Public
Organizers say until there is absolute acceptance of breastfeeding, nursing moms must vigilantly expose their swollen, milk-sodden breasts everywhere from community cookouts to the local hardware store.
Author: TheOnion
Keywords:
Added: Fri, 07 May 2010
- 83 days, 16 hours, 42 min
- 34 hits
'The Cressbeckler Stance' -- Coming Soon To The Onion News Network
This spring on the Onion News Network '08 Presidential candidate and unabashed straight-shooter Joad Cressbeckler returns to tackle today's toughest issues. America's Goin' Joad.
Author: TheOnion
Keywords: comedy, funny, onion, satire, joad, cressbeckler,
- 86 days, 16 hours, 42 min
- 32 hits
Live Feed: Obama Attends The White House Maintenance Staff Annual Dinner
Live O-SPAN coverage of the 75th annual dinner with a special awards presentation to the crew who tirelessly buffed every inch of the White House State Floor this past winter.
Author: TheOnion
Keywords: comedy, funny, onion, satire, barack, obama, politic
- 90 days, 16 hours, 42 min
- 43 hits
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